Why I Warn Clients that EMDR Intensive May Cause a Breakup
The beginning of February always brings about thoughts of upcoming Valentine's Day and often prompts reflection on love and relationships. But for a lot of my clients who do EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) intensives with me, the journey toward trauma healing leads to unexpected shifts in their connections with others.
When I first start working with clients, and sometimes even in their Good-Fit consultation call, I warn them that EMDR can often lead to breakups – breakups with partners, friends, family, and sometimes jobs or careers.
There are many layers of impact that EMDR intensives have for my clients because they are creating permanent, brain-based changes and shifting the way they see themselves and the world. These changes transform the self-esteem in clients, allowing for better boundaries, and shifting their expectations to healthier relationships.
1. Reprocessing Negative Beliefs for Enhanced Self-Esteem
EMDR reprocessing of traumatic memories operates on the premise that negative beliefs attached to those traumatic memories can shifted to more helpful beliefs. Clients engaging in this therapy embark on a careful journey of identifying specific memories, unraveling associated negative beliefs, and replacing them with positive, affirming alternatives. The therapeutic process works at a profound level, not just addressing symptoms but reshaping the core beliefs individuals hold about themselves.
A Journey Through Reprocessing
The reprocessing phases involve guided attention to traumatic memories while simultaneously engaging in bilateral stimulation, typically through eye movements or tactile buzzers. As the negative belief diminishes, clients experience a cognitive shift towards a more positive self-concept. This process is cathartic and instrumental in cultivating higher self-esteem and a healthier sense of self-worth.
Impact on Anxiety and Negative Self-Talk
As EMDR facilitates the dissolution of negative beliefs, clients typically report a significant reduction. They also note an eventual neutralizing of disturbance related to past traumas. The therapy's ripple effect extends to diminished negative self-talk. This allows individuals to break free from the self-imposed constraints of perfectionism and people-pleasing behaviors. Those behaviors have probably been impacting them and their relationships for a while.
2. Unraveling Perfectionism and People-Pleasing
Transforming Protective Mechanisms
For many clients, perfectionism and people-pleasing were adaptive behaviors learned in early life to navigate challenging environments. While effective as coping mechanisms early on, and often even reinforced and rewarded by external forces like school grades, achievement awards, athletic prowess, etc.; these behaviors become hindrances to genuine connection in adulthood. EMDR serves as a catalyst for change by unraveling the layers of these protective mechanisms.
Roots of People-Pleasing and Perfectionism
Early experiences often shape individuals' beliefs about their worthiness and value. EMDR brings these deep-seated beliefs to the forefront, enabling clients to understand the origins of their perfectionistic tendencies and people-pleasing behaviors. By addressing the root causes, individuals can break free from the negative feedback loop that perpetuates low self-esteem.
Breaking the Cycle of Low Self-Esteem
As perfectionism and people-pleasing lose their grip, clients experience a transformative shift in their self-concept. The cycle of low self-esteem is disrupted, opening the door to authentic self-expression and a more compassionate relationship with oneself. EMDR becomes a powerful tool in dismantling these barriers to genuine connection.
3. Gaining Clarity on Relationships
Navigating the Waters of Change
The therapeutic journey with EMDR not only transforms the individual but also has a ripple effect on their relationships. While not a universal experience, a significant number of my clients find themselves reevaluating connections that no longer serve their newfound sense of self.
Navigating the Fear of Loss and the Unknown
The process of reevaluation can evoke fear—fear of the unknown, fear of losing a part of one's personal history, or fear of being alone. These fears, while challenging, are temporary in the process of shedding old patterns and embracing authentic living. As an EMDR therapist, I guide clients through this delicate navigation, providing support as they confront these fears head-on and eventually experience what it is like to live without being plagued by these fears. EMDR equips clients with the tools to confront and move beyond fear, paving the way for healthier relationships based on mutual respect, understanding, and genuine connection.
4. Holding Boundaries & Navigating Discomfort
Mastering the Art of Self-Care
As clients move through the EMDR intensive process over the course of several weeks, they find themselves in a space of newfound self-awareness and the ability to identify, set, and maintain healthy boundaries. However, this newfound strength may be met with resistance from those accustomed to the previous dynamics. People who have benefitted from the client’s lack of boundaries and poor self-esteem will feel like they are losing something they are entitled to in the relationship. They can feel this way, and sometimes their behavior towards clients reflects their disappointment and attitude of entitlement.
Comfort with Other People's Discomfort
What my clients learn throughout the process of EMDR, as they shed the perfectionism, people pleasing, and need to make themselves small to bolster others is that it is okay for other people to experience difficult, uncomfortable, or negative emotions. A cornerstone of EMDR growth is learning to be comfortable with the discomfort of others because they are not responsible for the feelings of others. This doesn’t make my clients cold, heartless, or lacking empathy. It’s quite the opposite. When my clients give others the gift of experiencing the full spectrum of their emotions without trying to manage or change them, they are being less controlling and manipulative in their relationships. Clients are encouraged to prioritize their well-being, even if it means facing temporary discomfort in their relationships because they know that they are responsible for their own well-being and that someone else feeling okay doesn’t determine if they are okay or not anymore. This skill becomes a vital aspect of building and sustaining healthier connections.
Grieving the Loss of Relationships
As clients navigate the changes in their relationships, a natural aspect of this process is grief. While some relationships may be easier to let go of, others may evoke a profound sense of loss. Part of the ongoing work clients do after an EMDR intensive is work with their primary therapist who will help them through this emotional terrain. During intensives, it is my job to emphasize that the feelings of grief are temporary and will fade over time, but the relief and benefits gained from EMDR is enduring.
5. Embracing Positive Changes
A New Dawn of Authentic Connection
One of the most amazing things about EMDR and my intensive is that the transformative effects of EMDR extend far beyond the therapeutic setting. Clients emerge from the intensive therapy with a renewed sense of self, equipped with the tools to navigate the complexities of relationships and determine with confidence what is and is not acceptable in their lives anymore.
Setting Appropriate Boundaries, Self-Advocating, and Conflict Resolution
A significant shift from EMDR is the ability to recognize appropriate boundaries with loved ones and have the courage to set and maintain them. Clients learn to prioritize their personal peace of mind and feel insulated from the guilt that may have been a driving force of their actions and beliefs in relationships in the past. This newfound confidence in boundary-setting becomes part of the foundation for healthier, more balanced relationships. With improved self-esteem and a clearer sense of identity, clients become advocates for themselves. The fear of conflict diminishes as they recognize the importance of nonviolent conflict resolution in nurturing healthy relationships. The newfound confidence allows them to express their needs and desires authentically.
Separating Identity from Actions
Another key aspect of EMDR growth is the ability to separate one's identity from their actions. My clients experience what it feels like to know that they have inherent value, and their worthiness is not connected to how well they do things or how committed they are to meeting other people’s needs. They no longer carry the burden of guilt for not taking responsibility for other people's emotions or situations that were out of their power to control.
Cultivating Emotional Stability
As clients become more acquainted with their authentic selves, they develop an attunement to themselves and trust in their gut feelings. This self-trust helps clients identify things such as emotional abuse, gaslighting, and inequity in relationships. Another product of self-trust is a stabilization of emotions. Clients feel calmer and more centered when they are no longer subject to the symptoms of stress and anxiety they used to live with daily. They also have a brain and nervous system after EMDR that is oriented towards thriving instead of survival. The emotional stability gained through EMDR empowers individuals to recognize and resist manipulation, fostering a sense of control over their emotional well-being.
Celebrating the Journey of Transformation
While the impact of EMDR on relationships can be profound, it is crucial to view these changes as integral to the journey toward authenticity and emotional well-being. While I am sorry that the pain of ending relationships is very often a part of the EMDR intensive process, I am incredibly proud of the clients who trust the process, persevere through discomfort, and emerge with the ability to appreciate all their emotions.
As Valentine's Day approaches, I celebrate the courageous individuals I work with that embark on this transformative journey of self-love and healthier relationships. The breakdown of some relationships becomes a testament to growth, paving the way for connections rooted in mutual respect, understanding, and genuine connection. In embracing the changes brought about by EMDR, individuals start a new chapter—a chapter of authentic self-discovery and the cultivation of relationships that align with their true selves.