Navigating Resistance: Boundaries, Self-Esteem, and Your Healing Journey
In the second installment of my series, I delve into the challenging but essential topic of setting boundaries, nurturing self-esteem, and embracing your individual identity. As you continue your healing journey, you'll encounter resistance from those who have benefited from your lack of boundaries and self-esteem.
A lot of my clients have experienced this firsthand - after they start to heal and acknowledge their self-worth the folks in their lives who have a vested interest in things being the way they always were can say harmful things to them about the changes they make as they heal. A common tactic is to try to convince you that you are selfish or ungrateful for reclaiming your power. We’re going to explore this resistance from people who are uncomfortable with your healing and provide guidance on how to navigate it with confidence.
Recognizing the Resistance
Setting boundaries, nurturing self-esteem, and embracing your individual identity are all vital components of your healing process. As you begin to assert your newfound strengths, some people may start to push back because they probably benefited from your prior self where you may not have had the highest self-esteem or put up boundaries. It is important to keep in mind that when you change, you are also changing the landscapes of your relationships.
People who come from dysfunctional families or are in toxic relationships start to see how the status quo is keeping them stressed, exhausted, and oftentimes, afraid. When you start to uncover these patterns of dysfunction and begin refusing to participate in them in the ways you were before, this causes the people who want things to be the way they always have to act out or try to convince you that you are doing something wrong for moving away from the unhealthy patterns.
The Uncomfortable Truth
As you’re on your healing journey, it can be uncomfortable to accept that some people may resist or resent it. The discomfort arises from the realization that these individuals were accustomed to a version of you that suited their needs, even if it meant sacrificing your own well-being and sense of self.
By setting boundaries, prioritizing self-esteem, and embracing your individual identity, you're disrupting their world and what they are used to. Setting boundaries can be incredibly difficult - especially if you believe that it is your job to help others feel comfortable all the time or if you want to have a continued connection with the folks you are setting boundaries with.
When you’re in the beginning stages of trauma healing, the healthiest choices are the most uncomfortable because they are the most unfamiliar. It is normal to fear the consequences of standing up for yourself, especially if you were punished for it before. The important thing to remember is that you have the agency and ability to make decisions now that you didn’t have before. While it is difficult, prioritizing your well-being now will make it easier for you in the long run.
Self-Care Isn't Selfish
One common accusation you might face is that you are being selfish for prioritizing your own well-being. Let this sink in: self-care is not selfish. It is a necessary act of self-preservation and self-love. When you set boundaries and tend to your well-being, you are not only enhancing your own life but also improving your ability to be present and supportive of others in a healthier way. Their resistance often comes in the form of guilt-tripping and manipulation.
People may attempt to make you feel guilty for asserting your boundaries or prioritizing your personal peace. They might play on your sense of gratitude, suggesting that you should be thankful for their past support, even if it was damaging. It is important to recognize the messages about you being selfish or attempts to try to make you feel guilt or shame that are coming from these people aren’t actually about you. Your healing and not going along with the dysfunction is requiring them to:
Manage their own emotions when it used to be placed on you for doing the emotional labor in these relationships.
No longer be able to ignore the reality of the dysfunction.
Reflect on their own behaviors, beliefs, and experiences. This may mean that they are confronted with the reality that they are a victim, perpetrator, or both of a toxic situation.
Remember that healing and self-care are never things to feel guilty about. They are your birthright, and you deserve them.
Empowering Responses
As you navigate this resistance, respond with confidence and assertiveness. Your healing is a transformative process, and while it might be unsettling for others, it is ultimately for your benefit and the benefit of your relationships.
1. Self-Validation: Trust your inner compass and validate your feelings and needs. Your healing journey is your own, and your self-trust and boundaries are necessary for your growth. You may feel like you need to defend your healing or convince others to see things from your point of view, but the most important thing is that you know your history, you know the truth, and no one else needs to validate or believe it to be true.
2. Set Firm Boundaries: Don't be afraid to set and enforce your boundaries, even if it initially causes discomfort. Over time, those who genuinely care about you will adapt to these changes. Remember that a boundary is something you enforce for yourself - it is not a rule or requirement for the other person’s behavior. For instance, a boundary is: “If you continue to yell, I am going to remove myself from this conversation until you’ve calmed down”. A rule is: “You have to stop yelling at me if you want me to listen to you.” Boundaries are within your control, rules are about trying to change other people.
3. Seek Support and Practice with Allies: Surround yourself with individuals who support your healing journey. Whether it's friends, family, or a therapist, having a support network is invaluable. Communicate to your support network about your concerns about interactions or situations that you anticipate going poorly. As a therapist, I spend time in sessions this time of year role-playing and helping people set boundaries. Being able to express your concerns to a trusted ally and practice your boundaries can be enormously helpful when you are in the situation. Give your brain and nervous system the chance to practice things going well for you so you don’t default to old thought patterns or behaviors.
As you embark on the path of boundary setting, nurturing self-love, and embracing your identity as a person who is healing from trauma, remember that resistance is a natural part of the process. Those who have benefited from your previous lack of boundaries and self-esteem may not readily embrace changes. However, your healing journey is about reclaiming your life, well-being, and authenticity. Stay strong, trust in your own worth, and continue to navigate this transformation with courage. I’ll be cheering you on!