Navigating Frustration and Resistance When Your Healing isn't Welcomed
The last part of this blog series talks about one of the most difficult aspects of trauma treatment, especially around the holiday season. As a trauma therapist, I tell my clients up front that there will be emotions of frustration, sadness, and anger that arise when your healing efforts aren't recognized, appreciated, or welcomed. This experience is unfortunately common, and completely valid. While it is a very difficult thing to experience on your healing journey, there are ways to navigate it with resilience, and stay true to your healing path.
It is Futile to Try to Convince Others
It's entirely normal to want those around you to recognize and understand the toxic patterns you're working to overcome, especially when those patterns are impacting the people that you love as well. Sometimes people in trauma therapy feel like it’s their duty to try to help those they love by pointing out the damage that now seems so obvious and harmful to them because of their hard work in therapy. However, it's crucial to recognize that those who haven't embarked on this healing journey may not readily welcome this revelation. People resist change, especially when they benefit from the dysfunctional status quo. People in roles of power and control don’t want to share that power and control. For people in those dysfunctional ecosystems that aren’t in power or control, it is often easier or safer for them to keep the old patterns upheld because they are known and more predictable than working to change. Another issue that can be heartbreaking for my clients is that some people don’t want to champion your growth because it highlights their pain, suffering, or shortcomings. Your growth may challenge their comfort, and they might be resistant to acknowledging the need for change.
Facing Scapegoating and Bullying
As you evolve in your healing journey, you might notice shifts in your attitude, approach, or opinions. Unfortunately, not everyone in your life may embrace these changes. Some may resort to scapegoating or bullying as a means of deflecting their discomfort onto you. Again, your changes highlight their issues and shortcomings. When people are presented with new ideas that challenge their current beliefs and attitudes, they become defensive. Some people may defend themselves by trying to find “the villain”, or someone to blame. As the person who is changing and responding differently to the situation that you did in the past, you could become the bad guy in their mind. Even if the same bad outcomes are happening because of the toxic situation they’ve been in or helped perpetuate, your shifting attitude, behavior, or emotional agility can be pointed to as the problem. While it may be hard to believe and painful for you as you grow out of the old, dysfunctional situations, it's important to recognize that their resistance is not a reflection of your progress but rather a manifestation of their own unease with change.
Accusations of Weaponizing Your Therapy
When you employ healthy coping skills, practice nonviolent communication, or choose not to participate in dysfunctional patterns, you might face accusations of trying to weaponize your therapy against others. Toxic dynamics often require people to react in the moment instead of thoughtfully responding. So when you are faced with the same situation you’ve been in before where others have triggered you or gotten “under your skin” and you aren’t reacting with big emotions and escalating, it will throw the situation off balance.This is a challenging aspect of the healing journey, as those accustomed to the dysfunction may perceive your actions as a threat to their established dynamics. Your lack of emotional reactivity again highlights their dysfunction and in order to try to get you to react, your new coping skills might be viewed as “weapons”. (The idea that people living in such toxic dysfunction see these skills as weapons and interactions with loved ones as warfare is a whole other topic that I should definitely write about soon…). The best thing, and likely only thing that you can do in that situation is to stay firm in your commitment to your well-being and healing, even in the face of these accusations.
Navigating the Unwelcoming Terrain with Resilience
It’s natural to feel frustrated, sad, or angry when your healing efforts are met with resistance, incomprehension, or outright hostility. The path to healing is a personal one, and not everyone in your life may readily embrace the changes you're undergoing. As you navigate this terrain:
1. Prioritize Your Well-Being: Remember that your healing is a priority. While it's human to desire recognition and support, it's crucial to prioritize your own well-being over external validation.
2. Seek Supportive Allies: Surround yourself with individuals who understand and support your healing journey. Having a network of allies can provide the encouragement and understanding you need.
3. Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate your boundaries with those who may resist or undermine your healing efforts. Setting boundaries is an essential part of maintaining your mental and emotional well-being.
4. Stay True to Your Path: Resist the pressure to conform to the expectations of others. Stay true to your healing path, even in the face of resistance.
Remember, your journey of healing is a profound and transformative process. Others may not be able to appreciate it or like it, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not right for you. Your trauma recovery is not harming others and it’s okay to heal no matter what anyone else thinks.